10 Reasons Sweatpants Save My Life

Today is a sweatpants kind of day. And not just because it’s pouring rain outside which the weather man swears is El Niño. Who even trusts that guy? With his perfect botoxed face and Superman slicked back hair but I digress. Today, as I sit and contemplate life and why my daughter decided to give her pre-pubescent attitude to me after school, I find myself admiring the lovely drawstring cotton hugging my bum. And upon my reflections I have decided to share them with you, the internet, because why not? So let’s just get into why sweatpants are a gift from the clothing gods…

  1. Sweatpants let me be bloated. No shame in my game when I reach into the bottom ebony drawer during that time of the month. I’m bloated, cramping and hormonal. Tell me I can’t don my sweatpants and see what happens. Seriously though, no one wants a tight fitting pencil skirt that came off the sale rack from Windsor squeezing your ovaries and making you wish you could be pee standing up when Auntie Flow comes for a visit to pinch your lady parts instead of your cheeks.
  2. Sweatpants require zero effort. Throwing those bad boys on with the latest Anime Expo shirt creates the perfect outfit not only to go to Wal-Mart in but it also creates the lovely “stay away from me because I clearly don’t care about society” look. Perfect for those days you really don’t want the men outside of Home Depot staring at your backside because in their minds you’re the only woman to brave the lumber aisle.
  3. Sweatpants tell your significant other “Today is just not the day”. Ever have those days when sex just seems like you have to prepare to run the 100-yard dash agaisnt Stacy Fastfeet and you’re just not up for it? Probably not if you’re nineteen and “experimenting” but let me tell you. After you get your kids in bed and dinner cleaned up, once you respond to emails and run the laundry in the dryer one more time just for safe measure, and you’re two episodes away from finishing the third season of Orange Is the New Black, sex is the last thing on your mind. Sorry hubby, tis true.
  4. Sweatpants have evolved from being meant for exercise to meaning it’s a Netlfix day. Need I say more?
  5. Sweatpants make errands so much more bearable. You know I do admit that at times (fleeting and rare in their appearance) I envy the girl in heels wearing her 20-inch extensions mailing a box out at the post office but let’s be real. She does not go out like that everyday and if she does…woman more power to you! Personally, on my days off, I like to call them errand/chore day, sweatpants are my bestfriend until about 2:30 when society deems I look presentable to retrieve my little me from school.
  6. Sweatpants give my legs room to breathe. Those skinny jeans and leggings make me feel like corsets have undergone metamorphosis and moved from our waists down to our legs. I don’t care if they make my butt look good, I’m married and past looking cute on days other than date night.
  7. Sweatpants let me eat more than I probably should. When I cook my military sized portions for a family of three where else is it supposed to go other than in my belly?! I just had one of the best ideas ever. Thanksgiving shall hence forth be known as “sweatpants day” in our household!
  8. Sweatpants make pregnancy twenty percent less bad. That elastic waist band though! My gravitation towards them may have something to do with the fact that ten years ago when I was fifteen and pregnant, yes fifteen and pregnant, the maternity clothes looked like something my eighty year old grandmother would turn her nose up at the thrift store for the eldery. I like to believe we have grown since then, pun intended.
  9. Sweatpants make reading amazing. There’s something about curling up with a good book in a pair of sweatpants that just beats reading in a coffee shop in a beret and skinny jeans any day. The whole experience is elevated and I can transport myself into China with the characters of The Joy Luck Club. You don’t get that at Starbucks.
  10. Sweatpants don’t define me. I don’t care who looks at me or this post and thinks what a lazy slob. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and no piece of clothing will speak for me. So, the next time you feel self conscious about buying the sweatpants two sizes too big for you over the leggings with the word LOVE on the butt remember that you are you. You get decide what affects you and who for that matter. So, just buy the damn sweats!